Dear Students, Today I am posting an email I sent to one of my female clients, who has just separated from her husband. I have changed identifying information, to respect confidentiality. I think by reading it, you can learn a great deal. I have kept the words to her soft, so they can be heard. She is not a student, so she does not have the same level of understanding that students achieve over time, but she is a very long term client. Here is the email:
Dearest -----
You have made the physical separation from your husband, now you must make the psychological separation, which can only happen inside you. For so long you have defined yourself in relation to your husband. Over time, that became a definition that was painful to you, and you sought to remove yourself from that pain.
Stay clear that the ego will seek to continue to keep you in pain. That is what ego does. Ego is a pain machine.
Watch the issues of boundaries. Instead of constantly saying that he is overstepping your boundaries, simply, clearly state what you want. To yourself. To him. I’d just leave out the word
boundaries, if you can.
Boundaries can be an offensive and defensive word. You needed to use it when you were making your move and getting stronger. Now you can just be an adult and clearly state -
"This is what I want. This is what I choose. This is what I am doing. I do not want that. I do not choose that. Not right now, please. Maybe later. NO. Yes."
These are all good statements for you to consider. You can just say,
no. You can say,
not now. You can say,
no, thank you. You can say,
I don’t want to. You can say,
Can you please tell me what you mean, because I don’t understand. You can say,
yes. You can say,
I need time to think about that. You can say,
I can’t answer that right now. You can say,
I am feeling uncomfortable and need to be with my own energy right now, so I can deal with my feelings.
These are good “I” statements. You will find your own, the more you turn within.
“I” statements will help you go within to find out what you are feeling and thinking. “I” statements tend to be less combative, less offensive, less defensive, less confusing.
Keep in mind, you both love your children. So far your husband has been supportive of your move, providing for you financially. Do your best to stay with what is, not go into fear. Fear is the greatest weapon of control. Don’t forget that.
People say all kinds of things when they feel attacked and afraid. Do your best not to give power to what people say when they are feeling defensive, afraid, attacked. Try to just see. Really see. Do your best not to react.
Right now, today, everything is okay. Now you have a chance to look at the pain that is within you. When your husband was always there, it was easy to see that your pain was caused by your interaction with him. When he is not there, you have the beautiful opportunity to advance spiritually by taking full responsibility for your own pain — seeing it.
As the angels say, “what you are not aware of controls you. When you become aware of something, it begins to lose control over you.”
The problem is where the pain is. This is a universal truth.
This is a beautiful time for you, an opportunity for expansion and freedom.
I trust that you and your husband will be able to work everything out in a way that serves both of you and your family. Old patterns are being broken. Ego will resist that. Be patient, loving, and kind with yourselves and each other as you work to overcome the feelings of fear, pain, and limitation. You can do it! There is no enemy.
What is beautiful to remember is that even as human beings fight against each other, each of you has an angel who holds you in the light. Angels always work together. When you can attune to your angel, you are attuning to the angel of everyone. This is because angels serve only God’s will, and so angels exist in harmony, even while we exist in conflict.
Love,
Indira