What are your earliest memories concerning your concept of God and spirituality?
y earliest childhood memories are of trying to find God so that I could understand the meaning of existence and where everything came from. I remember sitting quietly, willing myself to return to the beginning of everything, intent upon finding God, meditating before I knew the meaning of the word. I would have a sense of my body dissolving into nothingness and my consciousness expanding into sparkling space. Just when I was sure I was there, almost touching truth, I would disappear into a deep void. I would awaken from these meditations as puzzled as ever, wondering what had happened and where God was.
One of my memories is that I would sometimes see people not as people, but as a sort of shimmering light, and then the physical would form itself. Sometimes the light was not shimmering and nice, but there would be like a dark cloud, and these people I did not like. Those experiences happened when I was very young, and then I forgot about them. I also remember being told I was a little boy named Kevin, but I felt like that was not my real identity, but then I figured, I may as well answer to Kevin since I didn't have any other name. Later, when I got older, I began to search for who I really was. Which led me to the school.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kevin, thank you Judy for sharing your experiences. I love to read it. It is interesting for me to see how otheres experience their world. And I do not have to share something at the moment from my childhood.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being here
Monika
My earliest memory of God was hearing my grandmother telling me God was punishing me for this or that, though it was never clear what this or that was, just that I had just stubbed my toe or something, and her response was "God is punishing you." Yikes! I imagined God as a midget in a leather suit something like Robin Hood's but the color of deerskin, who stood around pulling levers that played nasty tricks on people like making them stub their toes for no good reason.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I always had amazing dreams, and I remember seeing things as very flow-y and dynamic and thinking there was something wrong with my eyes. As a result, I trained myself to see things in the conventional static way. Now during meditation or ceremony I can sometimes shift over to the flow-y dynamic way of seeing things.
When I was growing up, I often felt presences with me in my room at night. Sometimes I was frightened although they were never mean. Sometimes I was frustrated because I knew I wouldn't be able to talk about this with anyone.
I also saw my childhood friend,Gwen, the night after her funeral. She died of ovarian cancer when we were 14. Gwen came into the hall outside my parents bedroom and told me I could come with her if I wanted to. I told her that it wasn't that I didn't want to, I just couldn't do it to my parents, especially seeing how losing her had affected her parents. She understood and went on her way.
Now, I don't know what all these things have to do with God except that they do have to do with capital "S" Spirit, and that has something to do with God. I still have big Spirit dreams fairly regularly, even with messages quoted in long-forgotten scriptural passages. And I am blessed with sacred encounters with animals now and then. Once I even got to travel to the fringes of the Universe where new souls are created, and I got to participate in creating new souls myself. It is really easy once you are there. You scrape off some of the material on the edge of the Universe, roll it into a ball, and throw it back against the Universal Wall. When it hits the wall, it shatters into thousands of fragments of multi-colored light which grow into dancing souls who then repeat the process to create even more souls. It is truly awesome, astonishing, and quite a lot of fun. I've never found my way back there, though, after that one time.
My biggest challenge is remembering all this in the situation I am living in, dealing with some very difficult family challenges.
On the plus side, I live with two of God's perfect creatures, Minnie-Cat and Mickey-Cat who feel exactly the way angels feel to me.
I hope some of you will be inspired to share more of your experiences. I for one would be happy and grateful to read and respond!
Love,
Debra
Hi Debra, your description of God in your first paragraph had me laughing. Thanks for inviting others to share their experiences. We do have quiet students here in the Open Classroom.
ReplyDeleteJust writing in the Open Classroom connects you to your heart, angels, Spirit. The Classroom provides a perfectly wonderful opportunity for each of you to share here in a safe and private place. The energy of the angels is real and it is here, assisting you in your spiritual growth. The more that you show up for yourself here, the more possibility you create for inner transformation.
We live in such a separate society, separated even from each other. Our school is about connection...connection to our own Heart, to Spirit, to angels, to God...whatever name you want to use. The ability to connect is synonymous with our ability to let go of fear.
Fear causes us to live lonely and separate. When we have the courage to share our thoughts and feelings, we find that we are not so different from each other. We begin to expose the ego for what it is. And we give Spirit a chance to flower within us.
Hi, Everyone,
ReplyDeleteWhat Indira says is true. I felt very connected and uplifted by sharing in this space. I couldn't believe how good I felt about writing something and about what I wrote. And I was excited about the possibility that others would read it and know me better and maybe even respond. Fun! :)
My earliest memories aren't necessarily my best memories of the Search. They are typical Protestant church things, and not so much about God as about Jesus. That's OK actually, because an intermediary is necessary for me. I suppose pictures of children around Jesus, and maybe one on his knee, were among the first intimations that God could be something personal. The Search goes on.
ReplyDeleteI like reading about other people's memories. They help stir up my own. I was raised in a "mixed" marriage...Irish and Jewish! My parents were liberal and neither of them all that religious, but they did have strong beliefs in God. I was raised more Christian, but with Jewish traditions that I still love, and grew up with the idea of Jesus, God, and even angels. Also Santa Claus who for a long time I thought was a better deal than Jesus. I always wanted to be good, especially to get presents, but I was never sure what "good" was.
ReplyDeleteThat has continued to haunt me in a way....the concept of goodness. In some ways, it seems subjective and subject to change, to times and cultures. What is "good" in one culture is "bad" in another.
I still want to be "good." This is one reason I am in this school. Because I feel there are answers here--more than the answers I get on a written page--the answers that get pulled from some place deep within me.
My last girlfriend got involved in a relationship with someone else. It happened gradually and when I found out how far it had gone, I tried to be "good" about it....understanding and kind, give her time, but it really tore me apart inside. Reading the lessons is what got me through, because it helped me see beyond my own perspective.
So I thought it was "bad" that she was doing what she did, and I sure felt bad. In the end I had to let go because it was too painful.
Letting go and being with myself was also painful. But now that time has gone by, I realize it was an opportunity for me to grow in ways I could not with her. I was always trying to please her. After we split up, I realized that I wasn't pleasing myself.
So what I thought was "bad" turned out to be "good."
I like being on my own now, for as long as it lasts, and concentrating on self-development and doing what is best for me. I feel more confident than when I was trying to hang on to a person.
So those are my earliest memories in a nutshell. Trying to be "good." So my teachers would give me good grades and my parents would be happy. Good so my parents would not be angry or sad. Good so maybe I could get to heaven, whatever heaven was. Good so Santa Claus would bring me presents. At least I don't have to worry about Santa anymore!
Debra's right. Whenever I make the effort to share here, I feel better. It's not about someone else responding, though I like that too. It is about showing up for myself!
My earliest memories are of being a tiny baby, and falling asleep in my beloved dad's arms, snuggled against his warm chest, feeling secure, and loved. One minute, I would be sleeping peacefuly in his arms, and the next minute I would feel myself being lowered down into my crib, away from the warmth and love and security of my dad. I would feel the cold sheets and hard mattress of my crib against my body. I would feel the feeling of dread, as I was released from my dad's arms. The separation I would feel from him was unbearable, as he turned and walked out of the room. It felt like he was walking out of my world, and I was completely and desparately alone.
ReplyDeleteI would wake up screaming and crying, feeling totally abandoned. I cried out in a rage, at the horrible separation from the love and warmth and oneness that I had just been feeling and experiencing.
Then as a young child, maybe three years old, I remember playing out in the yard with my sisters and my dad. We were laughing and playing, and my dad squatted down eye level with me and smiled and probably said "I love you" and gave me a big hug. I remember the feeling of happiness and almost bliss, and of time standing still. Then as he stood up and turned around and walked away to finish his yard work, I remember feeling a heart-wrenching sadness, as he walked away, and my momentary "bliss" of the feeling of oneness and love that I experienced with him, was over.
I remember I made a decision, at that point, not to let myself experience that heart-wrenching sadness again. I decided it was too painful to let myself feel joy and happiness and love, when it was so temporary. It hurt to badly to feel the sadness that followed the joy. It would be much easier not to feel.
I remember after that, whenever my dad looked at me and smiled and gave me a hug, I would smile back at him, but only because I wanted him to be happy, and not because I would actually let myself feel the smile. I knew that the smile was a mask. And behind that mask, I did not have to feel anything. It felt much safer that way.
During this time, I think I learned to shut-down my feelings as far as people were concerned. However, my heart was still open to nature. When I merged with the energy of nature or animals, I felt peacefullness and contentedness and love. I didn't have to wear my mask with nature. Nature never abandons me. I feel safe there. I longed for a constant state of happiness,and oneness, and bliss, instead of having to experience the polarity that exists on this planet.
I just read in a book called "The Divine Mother Speaks", that in the third dimension of polarity consciousnesss, that "one of it's laws is that everytime you feel one polarity of an emotion (such as love) the other polarity (hate) will pop-up, so all that is less than love will come up for examination, when you go into deep states of loving." However, once you become "aware" (there is that word again that Indira has been teaching us!!!), then "forewarned is forearmed".
So after I read this, I thought that maybe this polarity that I experienced as a young child in the relationship with my dad, is a challenge of this planet that I am suppose to "awaken" to and overcome???
The words of wisdom that Indira gave me here in the open classroom on another post dated Dec. 9, 2009, have helped me with this too. Indira said "The world of the mind is a world of duality. The illustion of separation gives rise to and sustains this world. Acceptance of life, as it is, allows the mind to become still. Then instead of continuously questioning a creation we cannot change, we settle into the mystery of it, awed by its wonder".
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYour post about wanting to be good, and about the details of the situation with your old girlfriend was very open and honest. It truly does make me feel more connected with you as a student here, which feels really good. I feel less lonely, more connected, and safer in sharing my own feelings. I can relate to wanting to be good and please others, especially in my past. I grew up Catholic, and was contantly exposed to stories of how the saints were martyrs... which sent the message that being a martyr, and suffering, was "good" and holy. I remember hearing about an order of nuns, who kneeled in church all day and flogged themselves. I couldn't imagine doing such a thing, but I was taught that such things please God. I have to laugh at the absurdity of that belief now. My sister and I often laugh and say "No wonder we're so neurotic". :-)
Hi Debra,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the school! I really enjoyed reading your post. I would love to hear about some of your big Spirit dreams sometime. I've had a couple of dreams while sleeping at night, that were really more of a "journeying" experience, and actually felt more real than a regular dream. It is still with me as clearly as if I'd just dreamed it yesterday, even tho it was several years ago.
I loved your comment about your cats who feel exactly as angels feel to you. I have a rescue cat who is now fat and soft as a rabbit and she has very big green eyes, and a purr that is louder and more soothing than any cat purr I've ever experienced. I often tell her, "I know you are a star-being in disguise, who has come her to bring me joy and healing, especially thru your purr." I always tell her she is my star-kitty. When she looks deep into my eyes while she is lying on my chest and purring.. in kind of a dreamlike state, I cannot help but gaze deeply back into her eyes. It truely feels like a divine connection of some kind. Keep writing, I love your posts.
Hi Everyone, I just re-read my post about my earliest memories and I realized I was not at all clear about how it related to my concept of God and Spirituality, so I wanted to clarify it here….. and I hope this is less garbled and makes more sense...
ReplyDeleteMy earliest memories are feelings of separtion from Source. I was stuck in a tiny helpless body, all alone in my crib, and God had abandoned me. I did not know where I was or why I could no longer feel the oneness and bliss of heaven. I was so angry that God had abandoned me and left me all alone.
The love and oneness I felt when I was in my dad’s arms, must have felt similar to the oneness and love I had been experiencing in heaven, just prior to my arrival here on earth. So as I searched for my oneness with Source, I thought I had found it in my earthly father. But my beloved dad was human, so he could not possibly have filled the role of Source in my life.
However, when I was old enough to walk and to go outside and play, I found Source in nature. I felt joy, and bliss, and oneness once again, with the Divine Source in nature, and nature did not abandon me.
I have often felt anger that I am stuck here on earth, in world of polarity, where there is sadness, cruelty, and pain. When my soul remembers the bliss of heaven and longs to be there again. I have often felt angry that earth cannot be like heaven.
I know that sooner that I can just accept this creation as it is, instead of continutally questioning it, the more peace I will have.
And I know these “expectations” of how I think this life should be, just cause me disappointment. Even tho I keep dreaming of a perfect life here on earth. One where we all live in bliss and love and nature. I would love to live in a little cottage in the woods, surrounded by woods and meadows and wildlife. Like Snow White’s cottage (without the dwarfs). Where the little bluebirds and the deer and squirrels are her friends, and they sing and dance together in the fresh air and sunshine, and everyone is very happy.
And where there are no noisy cities (cement jungles), filled with high rise buildings and flourescent lights, full of stressed out unhappy workers and no fresh air or sunshine, just like the city and office that I live and work in. An indigenous lifestyle, living in harmony with mother earth and with nature is another way-of-life that sounds good to me.
I hope you all will have patience with me... there is just one more thing concering what I've written, that I feel I need to bring out into the light of the classroom as a sort of release.
ReplyDeleteMy parents told me that when I was an infant, and my older brother was almost two, we had a babysitter who took care of us while my parents were at work all day. After several months of her taking care of us, they noticed strange behavior from both of us. For example, my dad said he when he would pat me I would burst out crying in fear like I had been beaten. He said prior to that, I was soothed when he would pat my back. And my brother seemed to have a fear of his bedroom, and wouldn't sleep at night.
They mentioned this to my grandparents, who decided to check-in on the babysitter with a surprise visit one day. They said that the babysitter appeared to have made us stay in our beds all day... I don't remember the details of all this. Anyway, they got rid of this babysitter and found us a new one.
I am thinking that is why I dreaded my crib so badly. I must have spent my days alone in there, bored and incredibly lonely. And they think she must have slapped me when I cried.
I have always tried to bury this and tell myself that it didn't matter and that I was "OK". But I feel like crying for that poor little baby and holding her and rocking her and giving her the love and attention she wasn't getting at the time. I feel bad for my brother too. He is a hermit and a loner, and somewhat of a hoarder. There is only a path thru his apartment and he sleeps on a blanket on the floor in the living room in front of the TV. His bed is covered with the comic books, movies, and books that he collects. He never married or had a girlfriend.
I feel I am ready to acknowledge and release all of this. Thank you open classroom for being here and being a witness to this.
Love, Mary Songbird
Hello everyone, there is so much in all these writings. I learn from reading what you all so courageously speak here.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, what you say about your brother, Mary, puts a strong image in my mind. Maybe he sleeps on a blanket amidst everything he cannot let go of, but we all do the same thing....in our minds....we are asleep and unconscious in the midst of everything we hold onto in our minds.
Thank you for writing everything you wrote MaryBirdsong. I am lucky because I do live in nature, though I have to travel a great deal for my work, so I often end up in hotels. I try to cultivate the spirit of nature in my heart and mind so that one day it will be bigger than I am....surrounding me like the bright sun and I will spread light wherever I go. I know that the only thing that really needs to change for my world to change....is me.
Thanks again for being so open. Writing here helps all of us to come out of the dark places we sometimes live. When we open the door of our heart, we give permission for the light to enter. I am happy to be part of a school where I can learn from the wisdom of my dear classmates, as well as my beloved teacher. Be at peace.
Indira, I just re-read these words you wrote and am amazed at how deeply they penetrated. Your writing holds so much; sometimes I read something and it appears brand new, like I never read it before. These are the words that hit me today:
ReplyDelete"Our school is about connection - connection to our own Heart, to Spirit, to angels, to God - whatever name you want to use. The ability to connect is synonymous with our ability to let go of fear.
Fear causes us to live lonely and separate. When we have the courage to share our thoughts and feelings, we find that we are not so different from each other. We begin to expose the ego for what it is. And we give Spirit a chance to flower within us. "