Lesson Learned

Standing at my kitchen window, I was preparing food for my husband and I to take with us on a trip to Arkansas , where we were going to spend time in nature, relaxing at a cabin by the White River . We had planned to be on the road by 8:00. I looked at the clock, and it said 7:45. I realized I still had several things to pack, as well as feed my dogs their breakfast, write a note for neighbor with feeding instructions for their dinner that night, and prepare some brewed green tea to take with us.

My husband had been up for hours and had already packed his clothes and fishing gear, unloaded the dishwasher, and gone to the store for ice. I wanted to be on time this time, as I tend to always run late. My sweet husband is very patient, and I didn’t want to disappoint him by making us late getting on the road, again.

Immediately, I became “aware” that I was feeling STRESSED, and I wondered “why am I feeling stressed when I am so happy that we are about to leave for our trip?”. ( Note: Feeling “stressed” when I am trying to accomplish certain things, is such a familiar feeling to me, that I am surpised I became aware of it.) At that moment, I realized that unconsciously, I was telling myself, “You will NEVER be able to get all of this done on time. There is NO WAY you can get all of this done by 8:00”.

As soon as I became aware of that little voice, I laughed out loud at it, and told myself, “YES, you can get all that done by 8:00. Look at everything else you’ve done in the last six months that you never thought you could do. This is a piece of cake compared to those things”. And to my amazement, we were on the road by 8:01.

I know this sounds like a little thing… but it is a BIG thing that I am now AWARE of that little voice (ego?) that tells me “YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET THAT DONE”. I realized this had been happening all my life, and was never aware of it until that moment.

I thanked the angels for the awareness I just gained. I felt joy and freedom.

I realized how tricky that voice had been all these years, because on the surface, that voice let me tell myself that I was smart enough to have finished college and to have held steady jobs for 25 years, yet in my subconscious mind it would tell me, “‘YOU CAN’T DO THAT. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW”. And I now realize it has held me back from trying all kinds of things. I am surprised of how unaware I have been of that belief all these years.

I feel that one step, on the path to this awareness, started when I had a reading with Indira and asked her for guidance concerning a practical matter that had to do with deciding whether or not to sell our house and try to find a job in Arkansas where my son, his girlfriend, and their new baby daughter are living.

One of her suggestions was to take small steps towards doing it and see how it felt, or see what happens, and change directions if I need to. Those weren’t her exact words, just my interpretation.

For me, I knew the first step would be to put our house on the market, and if it sold, then we could rent for awhile, and take our time looking for jobs over there, and if anything came up, we’d be in a position to move.

However, our old house had lots of stress cracks in walls and above the doors that needed to be repaired, and I didn’t have a clue how to do it. (I spoke with a structural engineer to see what caused the cracks and he said he thought they were caused from the roof settling, and there was no evidence of any foundation problems.) I spoke with a couple of different painters about just fixing the cracks (not painting) and none of them seemed interested in tackling the job.

I remember standing in my house, looking around at all the cracks, especially the big ones under the windows in the room with tall ceilings, and feeling completely defeated and trapped, saying to myself, we will never be able to sell this house for what we owe. And I can’t afford to pay someone to fix them.

I decided that if they were ever going to get fixed, I would have to fix them myself. Soon I got the idea to search the internet for “how to fix stress cracks in walls” and I found several youtube videos about using drywall seam tape and joint compound (mud) to fix them. I spent several months this past winter, working weekends, and managed to fix them all myself. Other than when I work in my flower gardens, I don’t know when I’ve felt such a sense of accomplishment.

Once I got the cracks fixed, I painted the living room. It looked so nice, that I painted the kitchen, the hall, and two bedrooms.

Then I looked up videos that showed how to remove wallpaper, and I removed the wallpaper in the 3rd bedroom and painted it.

I am now in the process of regrouting and recaulking my shower, and replacing some of the loose tiles and wall board that got wet behind the tiles. I never knew I could do all of this. This is what I was talking about earlier when I said “look at everything else I’ve done in the last six months”.

One baby step led to another, then another.

It was like the practical lesson the way for the spiritual lesson to sink in.

I love that the school is always here waiting for me, even in my absense. When I am ready to turn to the school, it is there. Kind of like the angels Just wanted to share about the progress, because it is always an inspiration to me when one of you share the progress you are making! Thank you angels, and Indira, and students for being here, and sharing your light and love.