Having No Value

Why is it that I see my own mother as having no value? I see her as having no value to me, or to the world. What scares me is that I know she is a mirror for me, so that suggests that I see myself as having no value. The exercise in today's lesson, helped me to become conscious of this belief inside me. When I got to the part "That's what she does best" (being herself), I choked on it because I thought "BEST???", she is not best at anything.


She was emotionally and verbally abusive to me when I was a child. She is still that way towards anyone who will put up with it. But I don't put up with anymore, so she is very careful not to be that way towards me anymore, because she knows that I cut off contact whenever she is. I've spent years working towards forgiving my mom, because I want peace in my heart. I know I've made progress towards forgiving her, and towards having compassion for her, but I realized today how harshly I still judge her. She stood by and did nothing to help me keep my baby when the social workers tore her from my arms when I was 17 years old; a river of tears falling down my face. Seventeen years later, when my baby's father and I got back together after our reunion with my daughter, she tried to break us up again, and was very hateful towards us the first holiday we spent with the family after we got married. It was at this point that my buried rage towards her bubbled to the surface. I distanced myself from her, hardly speaking to her for fear of unleashing my pent-up rage towards her and saying horribly mean things I'd regret. For I try never to harm with my words. It is not my way. Then I went to therapy, which helped cool my rage.

I can now talk to my mother without fear of unleashing a torrent of rage. I realize my part, my responisbilty in the loss of my daughter. I did not speak up either, as the social worker tore her from my arms. My therapist excused the fact that I did not speak up by telling me that I was just a child, and my mother was the adult in the situation. However, that does not excuse me, in my own eyes, from not speaking up. During the dialog about "expectations" in the open classroom, I realized that part of the reason I still judge my mother so harshly is because of my expectations. I expect her to be someone she is not. My expectations is that she be a loving person, an "aware" person, a person who thinks for herself, instead of basing her entire life on following the rules of the church, and believing everything the church tells her, never questioning.... even going as far as having had 5 children in 7 years because she believed them when they told her that birth control was wrong. She never even knew how to enjoy her children, yet she kept having them. I never remember her giving me one hug, or one smile, or one kind word. Only yelling, screaming, cruel remarks.

She treated my dad horribly, and I loved him soooo very much. He was the unconditional love in my life and I thank God for having had him as my father. But she took him away from me too. He committed suicide after they'd been married 31 years. If she had treated him better, maybe he wouldn't have killed himself. It is hard for me the find the "best" about anything to do with her. Although, the one good thing I can say for her is this: She taught me how "not" to be. I learned not to be cruel and say hateful things to my son. And from my dad I learned how to hug my son, and encourage him, and to say kind words and to love him and enjoy being with him. I was very excited to try today's lesson, because I want to have peace in my heart. But it is hard to when I still judge my mom so harshly. I want to get past this. In a reading I had a few years ago with a lady who used angel cards, she pulled the "mother healing" card (even tho I'd never told her anything about my mother or my relationship with her). She told me that after my mother-healing, my desires would manifest instantaneously. And my desire/vision is to have peace in my heart. So back to my original question: Why do I see my mother as having no value? Thank you for the opportunity to release these feelings here in the open classroom. Love, Mary