Ruth, I wanted to thank you for asking the question about desires/ expectations/ visions in your comment to Indira’s post dated Dec. 24, 2009 called “I wish you peace in your heart and light in your mind”. The dialog about "expectations" between you and Indira has been a huge lesson.... I will be "chewing" on it for months! I had no idea how bogged down I am with "expectations" of how I think this world should be. I can see where my expectations have driven so many of the decisions I have made in my life. All the way back to when I gave up my baby for adoption when I was 17. My expectations were that
all my ducks had to be a row before I was "good enough" to be a mother. My expectations were that I "should" be out of college, married, have plenty of money, etc before I had/raised a baby.
These beliefs had been ingrained in me by society as well as my parents. Instead of just "accepting" that I was going to be a mother at 17 and marrying the love of my life, I held to my expectations and lost the loves of my life... my baby and my boyfriend. But I do have my "boyfriend" back now, we have been married for 12 years now!
Anyway, my point is about that I am becoming "aware" of my expectiatons (for the first time in my life), so that hopefully they will stop controlling me. That were keeping me from living in the moment.
Since reading about acceptance, and vision, and expectations in your school, and becoming aware of these things, I have actually experienced a few moments where I felt myself just "accepting what is", and it felt very peaceful. Even tho this has never made sense to me in my head, I can feel the peace and truth of it in my heart, so I know this is the way for me.
Love,
Mary
These beliefs had been ingrained in me by society as well as my parents. Instead of just "accepting" that I was going to be a mother at 17 and marrying the love of my life, I held to my expectations and lost the loves of my life... my baby and my boyfriend. But I do have my "boyfriend" back now, we have been married for 12 years now!
Anyway, my point is about that I am becoming "aware" of my expectiatons (for the first time in my life), so that hopefully they will stop controlling me. That were keeping me from living in the moment.
Since reading about acceptance, and vision, and expectations in your school, and becoming aware of these things, I have actually experienced a few moments where I felt myself just "accepting what is", and it felt very peaceful. Even tho this has never made sense to me in my head, I can feel the peace and truth of it in my heart, so I know this is the way for me.
Love,
Mary
Hello Dear Mary, thank you for your courage to share so intimately your spiritual path. You make it easier for others to look deep into themselves.
ReplyDeleteIt is so deeply touching that you are gaining clairity...seeing the way that beliefs and expectations rule(d) your life.
And I would like you also to look at this past in another way...loving the Mary who actually THOUGHT about the welfare of her child, who wanted that child to have the best. So many people run into parenthood with no thought whatsoever, just do it because they can...you were a thoughtful, contemplative person even back then.
You did lose something, but you lived up to the highest ideal you could at the time. With every decision for one thing, comes the loss of another. It is the way of decisions.
You bought a daughter into the world and gave her a home with a family. Like a miracle, you are now married to the love of your youth. Your daughter is back in your life today in some ways.
We learn from the past, not to berate ourselves...because we can never know for sure what would have happened had we taken another road...we learn from the past to become whole and accepting of ourselves as we are today. It is never too late for acceptance.
You might re-write your words about how you see the past...but using the present tense, as it applies to you and your life today...if you want to.
Dear Mary
ReplyDeleteThank you for your touching story.
The answers about this questions
helped me also a lot and I realised
last week I had the first time no expectations and I feel much more calm.Unfortunately I notice that an indefinite expectation comes back. The ego is a strong fighter. Fight the good fight…. (Thanks Judy) I try now regularly to communicate with my heart to find out which the good fight is. The daily mails of Judy helps me.
Lots of love and peace
Ruth
Indira, I am deeply grateful for the amazing understanding you have of my heart and my life, and for the wisdom and love you gifted to me in your reply.
ReplyDeleteYour statement: "We learn from the past, not to berate ourselves ..."
Indira, that is exactly what I have been doing!! I have been berating myself for not having enough wisdom and self-esteem in the past, to stand up for myself and give myself a voice to tell my parents and the social workers and the world that "I love my baby and I love Mike, and I am going to keep my baby and we are going to get married".
I've been berating myself for not-knowing at seventeen, what I know now. I've been telling myself, "how could you have been so stupid, what kind of a person are you?". (Those would be a couple of good questions for me to write for this months lesson. LOL!)
I am soooo thankful to know that I don't have to berate myself for learning from my past. Instead I can realize that learning from my past can help me to “become whole and accepting of myself as I am today”.
It also helped so much when you said that "With every decision for one thing, comes the loss of another. It is the way of decisions." This helped me so much Indira, because I had been telling myself that if I had just made the decision to keep my baby, then everything would have been “perfect”, or almost perfect. But I see now that isn't true. There would have been other losses that came with that decision. And I shudder to think it could possibly have been the loss of never having had James for my son. I can't bear the thought of that! So this helps me very much.
When you said that I might re-write the 3rd paragraph in present tense, would it be something like this:
"My expectations are that all my ducks have to be a row before I am "good enough". Instead of just accepting things/people/relationships the way they are, my expectations cause me to lose the loves of my life."
Wow, that is very profound and scary. I just felt soul/spirit leap inside my stomach. I think my spirit is glad that I can now be "aware" of this kind of thinking. And I don't have to berate myself for having spent my entire life, so far, thinking that way. LOL!
Love,
Mary
Dear Ruth,
ReplyDeleteI noticed too that I am more calm when I manage to release my expectations for the moment. I am so glad that you started this discussion. I am amazed how much it is helping me. It is HUGE to have this awareness now.
Love,
Mary
Mary, Once again, I appreciate how open you are. You are obviously ready to grow and learn. You have put so much effort into the school already, added so much.
ReplyDeleteI like what you said, "I think my spirit is glad that I can now be "aware" of this kind of thinking."
...and I remind you...what we are not aware of controls us. When we become of aware of limiting contracting habits of thinking, they begin to lose control over us.
Becoming aware of the "stories" that play themselves constantly in the mind is the first step to healing. Sometimes just the shock of seeing how harmful our thinking is can be enough to wake us up, at least for a moment...and those moments have a definite positive impact.
We cherish each tiny moment of awakening...each moment is like a pearl strung on a necklace. String one pearl at a time and eventually you have a whole necklace, a complete circle.
Hi Ruth...you said, "Unfortunately I notice that an indefinite expectation comes back. The ego is a strong fighter."...and at least you are aware that the expectation returned. The real problem is when expectations exist within us in awareness...and slowly take over our thinking and feeling...because we are not watching!
ReplyDeleteAwareness is everything.
Hi Mary, I wanted to thank you for posting your story. It gave me courage to write about my thoughts, my old story with my girlfriend.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, I know they are just thoughts, but when they are there, they seem so real.
I can easily see that you made a hard choice when you were 17 and still under the rule of your parents, the church, and society. It is easy for me to have compassion for you, and not so easy to have compassion for myself.
I like what Indira said elsewhere, to Elisabeth -- reminding her that she does not always feel negative. I, myself, have read lots here that Elisabeth wrote when she was feeling positive.
For myself, I am tired of the ups and downs that come when I identify with my thoughts. I am trying to find what is real. And I know that thoughts are not.
Thanks too, Ruth -- you wrote about what we all experience from time to time. One of the hardest things for me is the expectations I have of myself, that I should always be "spiritual". But then -- "spiritual" is just a concept in my mind, and what does my mind know?
I like what Indira wrote once to Mary -- something about Mary creating a concept of God (in reference to animals suffering and God letting it happen) -- and then expecting God to live up to the concept Mary created. It is funny when you think of it.
Well, I create a concept of Kevin and then I expect Kevin to live up to the concept I create. And does he? Nope. And then I suffer.
Or maybe Kevin comes into existence each time I form another definition of who he is. Like today, I thought he was a loser. And I suffered!
Thank you Kevin
ReplyDeleteI like your thoughts :D