I am learning in the school to just let thoughts pass by without grabbing hold of them or giving them attention. Indira told me once that trying to get rid of thoughts is actually giving attention to the thoughts and increases their power. Today, for example, I started thinking of this old girlfriend of mine -- and comparing myself negatively to her life with her husband, feeling sorry for myself, thinking I made a mistake -- on and on the thoughts go -- and it threw me into a depression. Instead of being able to enjoy the sunset and the perfection of my life right now, I just felt terrible.
I tried to think about it from a "spiritual" perspective -- but sometimes when I feel so down, spirituality seems to fly out the window. I know this mood will pass, but it sure has not been fun.
The lessons here teach that we are not our thoughts -- thoughts come, thoughts go. I am working very hard on seeing thoughts as not who I am -- being able to witness the thoughts.
What comes to me, is that I like the idea of giving up thoughts that bring me down and cause me pain -- and I do not like the idea of letting go of thoughts that get me high. This is a revelation for me. Because it tells me I am addicted -- not so much to the thoughts -- but to the feelings that come with certain thoughts. I like to think of myself as successful and doing the things I like to do -- I am addicted to the "good" (or high) feelings that come with those thoughts.
What I am asking myself is this: Am I also in some sick way addicted to the lows -- to the downer that comes when I identify with negative thinking? (We learned early on the power of asking the "right" question).
I can see why I would be addicted to the "highs" -- but why I would be addicted to the lows? Any insights out there in studentland?
Maybe it is like this -- that I don't really like the lows -- but they come with the highs, and so I cannot escape the lows. Could that be it? Like, when someone takes a drug to get high, they always have to come down. They can't have one without the other.....
And then the question comes -- but who would I be without my highs and lows?
Who would I be?
The honest answer is, I don't know.
Thanks for having this space to share. I mean, where else in the world could I write this stuff and not have someone throw me out?
Hello dear Kevin,
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing about what is going on inside you. At the moment I just want to let you know that I have read it and I apreciate your openess.
Thank you
Monika
Hello Kevin,you are really courageous to tell the truth.and it is wonderfull that you are in this school to learn so intensly from the angels. You can be sure that this stae will not last for ever. The more you connect and are able to live from your heart the less you will be tortured by your mind.Tank your mind and educate him(what this school does),he does a good job. Everything needs time to develope ,be patient and nice with yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my heart
Christel
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYour post gave me a lot to think about these past few days. I know what you mean about wondering if you are addicted to the lows as well as the highs. I've wondered that too about myself.
Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning and thinking about your post, it dawned on me that it may be my ego that is addicted to the lows. As Indira said, our egos love drama. Our egos probably get a high off of our lows. So maybe it's not our true selves that get the high, but our egos.
I liked what Angel (Christel) said in her reply to you... that this state will not last forever, that as we progress, our mind will torture us less. I already know that is true, because my mind tortures me much less today than it did several years ago.
Thank you for being so honest, Kevin. And I too am glad we have this place to share. Like you said, where else could we talk about this stuff and feel understood?! Most people would just look at me with a blank look on their face like "what the hell are you talking about", when I talk about spiritual things including the angels. :-)
Also Kevin, your comment to me in my expectations post was awesome. I appreciate your feedback, especially about it being kind of comical how I had an expectation of God not letting animals be abused, and then when he didn't live up to that expectation, I was angry. I was walking down the hall at work, and remembered your comment, and I laughed to myself, about myself.
It felt soooo go to be able to laugh at myself, based on feedback I got from talking to other spiritual people about spiritual things. This is a new experience for me, and I liked it!
Lots of Love to everyone in the classroom!
Mary
yes, I often talk with "tongue in cheek," and can see the funny side of things -- when I am not too much in my darkness.
ReplyDeleteI do not see it as a negative thing at all to share what is going on inside my head. What I see as negative is living in isolation with my thinking-- which can happen even when I am surrounded by people. This feeds the ego, because as our teacher has said, useless shame, guilt and blame are the best food for the ego.
And my spiritual path is my responsibility. I learned about the school "by chance" (ha!) --
and I gave it to myself as I gift. And I am here to make the most of it. I read every lesson. I try and do the homework. And I read everything in the Open Classroom. I do whatever I can to expand and broaden my spiritual understanding.
I want to come out of hiding. Hiding my true self to fit into society. I really like the name of this Classroom -- OPEN!
Here I feel safe to be Open because I feel the guidance of the angels and because our teacher has always been accepting of me and not judgmental. And I see that she is that way with other students here. AND that YOU my classmates are kind and understanding. This Open Classroom is a very special place.
My negative thinking has passed for the moment. And I want to still continue to understand it, so it stops having power over me.
Yes, my understanding is that it is entirely true that it is the EGO that is addicted to the highs and lows. The true self cannot be addicted to anything at all. It just IS.
This latest low passed a lot sooner than previous ones. I didn't fall into old traps of trying to "get rid" of it, even if the thoughts and feelings were unpleasant. I did not take any action (like writing my old girlfriend a letter telling her everything she did wrong and how she ruined my life - ha-) I just sat with the pain. And I wrote here. And it passed. And I didn't take action I would only regret later (and which would have prolonged the pain)--
and so for me that is progress --
I only wrote here, where the drama would not be encouraged, but hopefully released --
and in that way, it was.
And just writing this, this moment, I feel a happiness (the school of being happy!!) -- because it gave me the chance to see my progress -- that I did NOT fall into old negative habits, even if my thinking did --
it's a start -- (our teacher said that to me -- i had a couple readings -- and she reminded me, there is still more for me to understand -- so I do not get disappointed when old stuff comes up again and again -- until it is healed)
it's a start --
a grateful Kevin
Hi Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYou remind me how healing a sense of humor can be! Please keep reminding me here with your tongue-in-cheek. :-)
I love to laugh when other people do/say something funny, or when my pets do something really cute or sweet, but I am not good at knowing how to make myself or other people laugh. I wish I was good at that. I think it is an amazing and healing gift that you and other funny people have!
On a more serious note, I really liked how you put this into words:
"What I see as negative is living in isolation with my thinking-- which can happen even when I am surrounded by people." That is exactly what I was trying to say in my post, but I couldn't put it into words. I have spent tooooo long living in isolation with my thinking, including my positive/light thinking. I am tired of the isolation. It is lonely and not healthy. I want to come out of hiding too!
I also like what you said about:
"I only wrote here, where the drama would not be encouraged, but hopefully released --"
You are right, out in the mainstream world, if you talked about your girlfriend, etc., the drama would be "encouraged".
And you pointed out another good reason for posting here.... it helps you to see your progress. I have noticed to that writing things out helps me with making progress, but it used to be I just wrote these things out in isolation, if I wrote them at all. Maybe that can be my new manta - Coming out of Isolation. Should we make T-shirts?! Ha!
Love,
Mary
Hello Kevin,
ReplyDeleteYes, most people who consider themselves to be "spiritual" want to think of themselves in the most positive light.
We have the idea of what we think it means to be spiritual - good, kind, thinking only pleasant uplifting thoughts, wanting the best for other people -
and the reality of our experience is often quite the opposite -
we find ourselves thinking the most negative thoughts! As much as we don't want to, we find ourselves feeling jealous, envious, angry, insincere,
to name a few...
and when we bring these feelings out of the dark into the light (of the Open Classroom!)
we take away their power!
and this is the start of tremendous inner transformation (healing)
keep on healing, Kevin. You are very brave.
Nicely said, Christel.
ReplyDelete