Here's something I'd like to share with you:
In December, One of my cats disappeared... In the first night of her absence I tried to contact her from heart-to-heart and so came to know that she was trapped somewhere and that she was struggling and feeling cold and afraid. Starting in this moment, I got in touch with a huge pain that did not leave me a second for the following days. I just could not stop crying. Of course, I was afraid for my cat - but that wasn't the pain. It was bigger, seemingly endless... I couldn't even say "my" pain, it seemed the pain could be "bigger" than me. I didn't know what this pain was about, but soon I realized that my cats were the band-aids, the soothing balm on this pain. And I promised to look at this more closely - to be able to take the responsibilty to myself instead of laying the duty onto others, animal or person. I am grateful to my dear caring cats to help me where I still need to learn.So I asked myself what this huge, huge pain might be. I dare say that it isn't this or that old pain of this or that experience - although, all awkwardly stirred up... I couldn't really say for sure. It didn't feel that way, though. I don't know. But when the soul, the essence can never be hurt - which, personally, I found true for me - then That cannot be in pain, so left is only the Ego, isn't it?
What about the pain that is not "my" pain alone? Is there my pain, your pain, our pain? Hm, I don't really know. I couldn't call that pain "my" pain. But can pain be anywhere else but in "me", can it be any other than "my"?
What about these pains of generations, of families, of nations or women / men / animals,...? We find these, somehow inherited, in ourselves sometimes for things we didn't experience in this lifetime... What is that? Is there sort of a common, united ego that holds this pain up? Or what else is that, how is it different from the pain ego holds up in myself?
Or, regarding when I started and stopped actually being in touch with the pain... may it be the pain of separation, that is said all of us carry somewhere since when we left the One-ness? I don't know.
I ask myself about "the huge pain" since then... And I still don't know. I keep wondering.
My cat luckily made it home, by the way, a few days later. and from shortly before that, maybe an hour or half before, I started surrendering, feeling that whatever would happen would be all right and then I didn't feel the pain anymore, actually Sunshine came through the clouds just that Moment - since then I only remember the pain. And the memory starts to fade away...
I would like to invite YOU to ask yourself about pain with me here in the classroom... Let's heart-think TOGETHER, shall we? - I would love to hear what your hearts say....
Just as I say this, my heart says "what is pain? I don't know that"... but that's not what I felt then... I have a memory of deep heartache... pretty confusing...
So, dear classmates, thank you for listening...
Sending love...
Petra
Dear Petra,
ReplyDeleteI am very touched by what you were writing. Thank's alot. I will contemplate it.
For now I send my love to all of you.
Monika
P.S. Yesterday I thought I am so grateful for all the networks I am in. One of this supporting communities is the open classroom. I feel very rich.
And you posted a picture of you .......!
ReplyDeleteThank you my dear friend !
ReplyDeleteGlad you still recognize me after all these weeks :-)
||:love:||
First, I am glad your cat returned home safely, Petra.
ReplyDeleteAbout pain. I have come to view pain in another way since being a student here. In the past I thought for sure that my pain was caused by someone or some event outside me. It sure seems that way.
What I can honestly say now is that kind of thinking got me nowhere. It did not solve the pain. As soon as one situation was over, another would take its place. Pain is never-ending, when looked at from this perspective, because we can never be completely free from painful relationships and situations while on this earth.
I find many "Band-aids" in my life, to give me a temporary fix from my pain. But as soon as the band-aid is ripped away, ouch. The girlfriend leaves. The job ends. The cat gets lost. The pain is back.
From what I have read in the lessons and found to be true in my own experience, the pain is inside me, it is part of the ego nature. Ego nature cannot exist in separation from pain. Separation from God is painful.
So I think in an ideal situation -- ideal, remember -- your cat wanders away -- you experience your feelings -- but you do not go into the agonizing pain -- and you are one with everything, including one with your lost cat -- and in that oneness you experience love and faith. Maybe another way to say this — there is no “one” (ego) to judge the experience. Maybe it is the judgment of the experience that causes the pain.
When my girlfriend left a few years back, I was in pain. I thought she caused my pain. The judging thoughts in my head told me all the things that were wrong with me because I lost my girlfriend. Now, with some years perspective, I can see that the pain was already inside me! She didn’t cause it. She was just a band-aid I was using. It got ripped away and exposed the pain already there.
It is still a mystery to me. I thank you for the chance to discuss this, Petra. I know it must not have been easy for you to write about something so intimate. It is not easy for me. But what I want is freedom from pain, so I write. Your classmate, Kevin
So good to find you here this morning, Kevin.
ReplyDeleteAnd I appreciate your courage to "reveal" yourself and share. Just because you do and also because I would really like to meet you classmates here.
I can say "true" for myself to what you described, too.
Interestingly, the "ideal situation" you drew - I think that is what happened when I got to the point of surrender to the 'anything will be all right'. And you are right, there is no judgement there. There is awareness of unity, love, faith - and light and lightness.
I am still wondering about how it is with the different "forms" of pain... as I said above.
Is it important to differ these at all?? - does it make any difference if I am in my own field of pain-energy or in a field of pain of masses? Or if it is caused by physical, emotional or mental suffering? I don't know.
What is still a mystery to you?
Have a nice day :-)
Petra
Life is a mystery. There are things I can never understand with my human intellect.
ReplyDeleteI think there is only one kind of pain, but the mind interprets that pain in different ways. We know that people have different physical thresholds of pain. It must also be true of emotional, psychological pain. If I live in a Unity with everything, then where is the separate "me" to feel pain? It is my judgments about an event that cause pain inside me, not the actual event -- but the thoughts in my head -- want to convince me that the event is causing me pain and that I should feel pain. Who says? I know there is a pain free state in which to live, even I do not live there yet. I know this from myself, from a feeling deep inside me.
We can be aware of the pain of the world, without feeling the pain. If I am a doctor (I am not) and want to help you because you are in pain, it won't help you if I start feeling your pain. I have to keep a distance and act from my expert training as a doctor to help you get free of pain. I think we can apply this analogy to the other aspects of pain that you are talking about. Do you?
Dear Classmates
ReplyDeleteBecause I am interested in your question, I passed it to my friends from the light and tried to translate the answer : )
warm regards from Switzerland
Ruth
Pain
Pain is what it is. That means if it is tugging at you it is a tugging pain, when it stings, it is a stabbing pain, which does not mean that this makes a difference, because in the end it's just pain.
Where does it come from, where it goes? Interestingly, it is only present when you are not really present. This means, you move with your awareness a little away from yourself and so you give the pain, the judgment about yourself or whatever,a space to torment you.
Pain is a result of classification. Since time immemorial, you were judged and condemned, your actions classified into good and bad. As long as you tolerate these ratings and practice this game (judge and condemn) yourself, the pain will never get better.
So dear children of the light, stop to judge and condemn. Observes life with the curious eyes of a child which still has no idea what is "good or bad" and you'll feel better right away.
At the beginning it is easier to stop to judge and condemn others, simply because often you are not so hard-hearted in judging your fellow human beings than yourself.
Once if you have learned, not to judge your fellow beings you automatically come in peace with yourself.
Think of this as a game, play it with joy and value-free : )
Your friends from the light
Thanks for your post, Ruth. That is interesting, to think of pain in different ways, and I agree that in the end, pain is pain. Yes, judgments do create pain. Negative judgments are painful. Even positive judgments are painful, because on the other side, is the negative.
ReplyDeleteFrom the school I understand that the only way to get "rid" of the pain is to get rid of the "me" that believes in pain. No believer in pain, no pain. No "me" full of judgments, desires, and expectations, no pain.
I think what you are saying about just observing with the eyes of a child, is to just See what IS, just as it is. When I am not present in my life, negative thoughts have a chance to invade my mind and make me miserable.
I am on this path of awareness. Thanks to all of you for sharing your awareness and insights. It is great having classmates in school--who actually show up.
Thank you for writing, Petra, and to Monika, Kevin, and Ruth for sharing more. Ruth, I appreciate that you practice writing from your intuition and have the courage to share here in the classroom. I like the way you take a look at the way pain manifests in different ways.
ReplyDeletePetra, it is possible to see or observe psychological suffering and be free from it. Our true Self never feels pain.
We can be hurt only because we want something from the world. When we stop wanting what we cannot have, we stop suffering.
There is a natural reaction to losing your cat or anything else you cherish. We are not in control of these reactions. They happen. What we can learn to do is OBSERVE a reaction. Watch it. Watch as impartially as you can. See the reaction. Really see it. When you can see it, you can begin to see that it is not you. We suffer from a painful reaction because we believe it is who we are. We believe—I am the reaction. Then we lose perspective. We lose ourself in the pain. We suffer.
We as human beings do not have the power to stop painful reactions. We have the power to SEE. We are all gifted with sight. This is a divine sight that you can cultivate and nurture through practice. Your early lessons focus on watching your reactions. Did you think that was a simple thing to do when you first read it? Did you think it was hard? Or did you not understand it at all?
Perhaps by now you are beginning to understand that importance of watching—just watching—your reactions. Perhaps you are beginning to see that this is your greatest power—the power to see. True seeing leads to understanding. When you understanding something, it loses its power over you.
It is sad to lose your cat. There is no reason to deny the sadness. Just let it flow through you like a wind. A natural reaction is not the problem. It is holding onto the reaction that creates suffering. Sadness is just sadness. But suffering lingers and brings more suffering.
Your cat came home. It was always safe. And you, Petra, are using this experience to learn and grow from—so you are making right use of an unhappy experience. This is right action. Good for you.
Hello Petra, I was visiting the classroom and happened to see this post to the side, so came to read it, since I have also gone through a great loss. My little girl was old and sick and I don't know if i will ever see her again. So I know this pain you mention. I have known it many times in my life, through much suffering of myself or others, but this is a different pain than ever before. Partly because I am more conscious. More aware of the pain. Less able to block it. Sometimes all we can do is breathe.
ReplyDeleteSomeone, an old and dear friend, who is also a student here, though you never see him, wrote me this beautiful writing, just today:
Well, we got the house kind of cleaned and had Quaker meeting here for the first time in a couple of years. This being the shortest day of the year darkness is abundant so we had a series of short readings on darkness and light. Without light there could not be darkness, without darkness there could not be light. Because there is darkness now we know there will be light later.
When a forest is destroyed by a fire all that is left is a landscape of charred stumps, but in the spring flowers start to pop up and soon it looks like a meadow of wildflowers, and the charred stumps no longer have any meaning.
In a few years the flowers start to have competition from bushes and small trees and eventually they succumb to the darkness of a forest. Like all living things Penny had a time to be here and now she has a time to be somewhere else. Anything that you did or didn't do, anything you could have done has no power to alter the nature of life. It doesn't matter that you have no strength to touch the angels, you know that they have always had the love required to reach us and to teach us. They always have and always will because they are part of the nature of life and are not changeable.
Thank you for teaching me these things and so much more. I will look forward to seeing you soon, whether we meet in darkness or light. It doesn't matter. We still have time together and that is what matters.