When I do sit, I notice that my mind is agitated and my body feels agitated. I notice that I do not want to sit and watch my thoughts, because of the anxiety. I notice that I am living my life with an underlying agitation pretty much all the time. Before starting the sitting practice, I was not aware of this agitation and anxiety that is always with me, even when I think I am feeling calm and peaceful. While sitting, I notice my mind is thinking all the time, more and more thoughts arise. I was never aware of how many thoughts there are. Like an avalanche, they keep on coming. It is not easy to sit and watch them.
Your observations show that you are evolving in consciousness and awareness, Kevin. Good work. I appreciate as always your openness and honesty.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I tried a prolonged and organized meditation was in a Tibetan Buddhism weeklong retreat. I had no idea what I was getting into! It involved 7 hours of meditation a day...with instruction! The chatter in my mind was unbelievable. Mostly the demands were to get up and get out of there. I couldn't believe how little control I had of my own thinking. And of course there were the aching muscles and bones.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't the only one. The Karme Choling center had a psychiatrist on call from the nearby town...just in case. And she was needed! At one point a woman jumped up, started screaming and had to be led out.
In some ways, our own culture in the States actually discourages the population not only from true spiritual activity...but from thinking at all! The retreat I went on was called Battle of the Ego. Hmmmm. Well Kevin, keep up the fight...and of course the way to win is to give it up.