Good morning dear classmates, dear Judy and dear angels,
I made an interesting experience last night. In the evening I read again the second lesson and I had a problem with homework one. Not about asking an ego question, but to feel the answer.
In the night I had a dream, in the dream I hit my children very hard, like a fury and then I felt so guilty that I couldn't see a perspective to live.
When I woke up, I felt such a pain, I cried and I thought that I have no permission to exist. Something deep in me tells me that and I think that happens more often than I recognize it.
I still feel this emotion, but now, being awake, I feel also something peaceful in my heart.
I am.
Maybe there are some parts of me I don't know about, but all in all, I am.
And when I say that loud I feel being invited to live and to make all my experiences like all of you.
And I thank you again of being part of the school,
love, Antje
I made an interesting experience last night. In the evening I read again the second lesson and I had a problem with homework one. Not about asking an ego question, but to feel the answer.
In the night I had a dream, in the dream I hit my children very hard, like a fury and then I felt so guilty that I couldn't see a perspective to live.
When I woke up, I felt such a pain, I cried and I thought that I have no permission to exist. Something deep in me tells me that and I think that happens more often than I recognize it.
I still feel this emotion, but now, being awake, I feel also something peaceful in my heart.
I am.
Maybe there are some parts of me I don't know about, but all in all, I am.
And when I say that loud I feel being invited to live and to make all my experiences like all of you.
And I thank you again of being part of the school,
love, Antje
Thank you for posting your (colorful) thoughts, Antje, There is much perspective in your words - and dreams. Love, Indira (Judy)
ReplyDeleteDear Judy,
ReplyDeletethank you very much for your answer.
I think my question is,
what is the dream in me,
where the illusion I keep alive, and why?
I feel that I am afraid of losing my control. To allow new thoughts means also to lose control,
I think that is the moment to be in deeper connection with my angels, I hope it is a way to allow the feelings I am afraid of.
Love from Antje
ps: Judy, is it sure that nobody can read our blog outside? It is new for me to use the internet in this way and I would like to know that. Thank you
Dear Antje, ONLY students of the School can read this blog. You must be PERSONALLY INVITED by me and then sign up with your password and user name to arrive here. It is the same with the LESSONS, except no-one but me can post in the lessons.
ReplyDeleteYes, the ego does fear loss of control. The ego is under the illusion that it is in control. It is frightening for the ego to let go of control because the ego lives in separation from God. Fear is a natural reaction for an ego that thinks it is all alone in the world.
Oh, Sweet Antje~ I am Darlene. I identify completely with your pain. About 25 years ago I was married to a very abusive man. My two young daughters from a previous marriage witnessed much of the abuse. One night I had a very lucid dream, which still chills me to my bones when I recall it. In my dream I laid them on my bed and shot them. I remember vividly the looks in their eyes, which plead "Why Mommy?" I awoke screaming, sweating, hating myself. I had to seek counseling! I would NEVER think of harming my daughters, let alone shooting them. The counselor suggested that the dream may have meant that I just wanted the abuse to end, especially for my girls. I didn't get much help from her explanation and I do not have a clue as to why I would have dreamed that violence.
ReplyDeleteCarl Jung says that dreams are a way for our subconscious mind to play out scenarios in ways our conscious mind cannot understand.
This dream haunted me for many years. One day the tape of the dream played in my head. I screamed for it to STOP! I am not my dream! I did NOT harm my children.
As I write this, my present recollection of this dream is still very uncomfortable for me. But I know that it was a dream. I do not know where dreams come from or why. It was just a dream. It was not me.
You did not hurt your children. It was just a dream. It was not you.
I send you much love, light, and lots of hugs!!
Darlene
Dear Darlene,
ReplyDeletethank you so much for your words.
It is some weeks ago now, since I had this dream.
And now, I think it was the feeling I wanted to feel to make my homework, to notice my reactions.
And it feels more clear when I first notice what is going on.
Sometimes it is just a sentence, for example: My husband told me when you flow off the water in the bath, next time please ask me first, maybe I want to take a bath after you. So, when I forget it one time to ask him, he could say the same again. I just noticed what i felt and in the same moment I told him: No, please when you see me taking a bath, please tell me if you want to take a bath after me.
Well, that is not really interesting, but that happens very often a day that I wait a moment, I notice andd then there is an answer in me that feels better, it is clear.
I hope you understand what I want to say,
thank you,and I send love to you and your family,
Antje
Antje, you wrote, "No, please when you see me taking a bath, please tell me if you want to take a bath after me."
ReplyDeleteYes! He can be responsible for taking care of his wishes.
Dear Antje and Darlene
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing yourselves so openly and honestly. I am the mother of four children and I know I have made many mistakes. Sometimes I dwell on this and have often thought if I could only rewind the world like you can on a tape recorder I would go back and do things differently: talk to them more, be with them more, protect them for the horrible things they were exposed to becasue I was so clueless. The other day my 28 year old had dinner with my husband, his step-father. My husband asked him how he turned out so good when his early life was so rough and his mother didn't really know alot. He said, " I watched my mother keep trying to understand and work and work on this. So I realized I could do the same thing. when my husband came home and told me that, I could let go a little of the regrets I have. It was nice that they could have that talk because they have not had a great relationship together. Someone once told me that everything can be healed in the present moment. love Annie
I so appreciate the depth of wisdom and compassion that each of you bring to the Open Classroom. It is not easy to be vulnerable, even in a Classroom of people focused upon knowing Truth.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, you said, "Someone once told me that everything can be healed in the present moment."
That someone was accurate. We often hear that the past cannot be changed. Perhaps the actual "facts" of the past are as they are; however, our PERCEPTION of the past can change and when it does, so do we - in the present moment.