I have decided to use my classroom to learn more about myself. Myself? I know myself is not really this physical body, thoughts, & emotions. "I AM!" Just the same, I normally identify with physical reality as being me. Today I will try to apply what I am learning in our School.
Today at work, my business is not going the way I want to go. The other day everything seemed to be rolling right along. I started feeling a kind of paralysis, not wanting to move, a heaviness in my solar plexus, along with a feeling of dread and fear. This is a "normal" experience for me in these situations. So I examined the thoughts I was having.
My thoughts were along these typical lines, "My life is not working. I won't be successful. I am a failure. Not only am I a failure, no one likes me. I will fail. I may as well give up. I can't face anyone. I was wrong to have been happy about my work. My happiness was not real. It was just another high. I am ashamed to face people. I should keep to myself. Everyone will know I am a failure."
When I examine these thoughts, I understand why I go into paralysis, dread, and fear.
I have always had these highs and lows, gone into these downers at times, even though I seem happy-go-lucky on the outside. Maybe being a man, I never learned to express my feelings very well.
And I am just here today. Breathing. Being. These thoughts do not determine the course of my actual future. They do not know everything. I may be successful in my work. And it is what I like to do. If I am meant to go in another direction, God will direct me.
These thoughts are not who I am. There are just little goblins (also called "ego") who want to mess up my life. (Indira once in a reading told me my thoughts were little goblins wanting to eat up my peace and serenity and get even fatter. I had to laugh at this image of fat little goblins getting fatter on my peace and serenity).
As I write these words, I find my inner state changing. I am feeling more light and free. I have shined the bright light of awareness on the little goblins. Thoughts are only thoughts. They are not real. The mean goblins that eat up my life have no substance unless I give it to them. Like my latest lesson said, thoughts are mere stick figures that come knocking on my door, demanding attention.
In the past, I would give them all the attention, without even knowing I was doing it.
Today, this morning, I have had a chance to examine my thoughts and the feelings that come with those thoughts.
I do not think it is so easy to escape the bondage of discursive thinking. I've had a lifetime of involvement with thoughts and feelings. I will continue on The Razor's Edge.
Love and Peace to all of you my dear Classmates around the world.
Dear Kevin,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to your feelings of "fear of failure", and "fear of not being liked", and "being ashamed to face people" at times. I have fear of failure when I am at work too, or when I want to try something new. And I have fear of not being liked when I meet new people and when I am around relatives, and I have the feeling of being ashamed to face people almost everywhere.
But now we can hopefully be making progress on these things since we have released these feelings here in the classroom.
I am feeling less alone in the world now, because of the sharing that we do here in the open classroom. It is a wonderful feeling to feel less alone.
I am also feeling tiny fragments of shame and pain lift and release from me, a little at a time, since opening up a bit here in the open classroom. It is amazing and feels like progress.
I know Indira said I have more transfroming to do. I am looking forward to that, even if it is painful to transform, because it is even more painful to stay stuck in my old shame.
I know I have much shame. I know it is shame that causes me so much pain, and shame that causes me to isolate. But Indira's responses to my posts are helping me to not feel as shameful.
Also Kevin, when you mentioned the heavy feeling in your solar plexus along with a feeling of dread... I can remember when that kind of fear gripped me all the time, and I had such a tight feeling in my stomach. (No wonder I used to suffer terribly with Irritable bowel syndrome. But I don't anymore and I am so gratefule for that.) About 10 years ago I lived with that feeling of fear all the time and I thought it was "normal". I guess it was normal for me then. But my point is that now we recognize that feeling in our solar plexus where we don't want to move as "fear". Before, I didn't know it was something I could release. It was just something I lived. I am glad you brought that up, because once again I feel less alone in this world, and also it helped me to realize the progress I made in that area. And I am guessing it is huge for you too because you too now recognize it as fear.
Love to all,
Mary
There is no shame in bringing thoughts out into the open - where they can be examined under the bright light of Consciousness.
ReplyDeleteLiving in inner isolation keeps us believing that only "I" have these terrible thoughts. This gives the ego "me" power.
There is no new original ego thought.
Keep up the bright light shining! Good work!